“Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.”
Being brought up in an alcoholic family, I was raised to see the world through the lens of a dysfunctional family. The fear and uncertainty it created colored every aspect of my life and the way I came to see the world. Over time, I began to find myself isolated due to an deepening uneasiness with other people, especially those in authority positions.
The people pleasing behaviors I learned as a child in order to cope with the craziness of my alcoholic parents stayed with me into adulthood, and because of this I never really developed a clear sense of my own identity. It was almost impossible for me to detach from my internal emotional life, making interactions with society filled with strife and anxiety. I ‘came to believe’ that I was capable of reading peoples minds, and would adjust my actions to anticipate what I thought people were thinking about me. Truly crazy behavior, learned from an unstable childhood fraught with unpredictable parents and chaos.
Without my awareness and understanding, the people I gravitated to and formed relationships with were either alcoholics or drug addicts, people immersed in compulsive behaviors and lifestyles. The unconscious need for betrayal and abandonment was an undercurrent that pulled me into dangerous and unhappy situations.
It was so hard not to constantly feel like the victim in every situation, for it became a self fulfilling prophesy of self sabotage. I became an expert at playing the blame game, often swimming deep in a lake of self pity and toxic shame. Feeling guilty about every situation I found myself in came to immobilize any meaningful forward momentum in my life, reinforcing the constant negative self talk playing in my head. As a result, I found myself constantly looking to others to help me make important life decisions, increasingly at my peril.
I became dependent on the few people I came to trust, terrified that an any minute they might abandon me. As a result I would do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. I kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched my childhood relationship with my dysfunctional parents.
Looking back, I realized I had become a willing hostage to the alcoholics and addicts in my life, burying my true feelings, holding on for dear life, willing to exchange my freedom for the hope that I would never be alone. A life in free-fall became ‘normal’ to me, and when presented with the option of safety and stability, I rejected it because it seemed so foreign and uncomfortable. I became a master of chaotic situations, the crazier it became, the more relaxed I felt inside.
Though ACA (ACoA) I was able to meet other people who were raised in similar situations and start seeing my behaviors the a more detached lens. The strength of the group and the fellowship has given me the insight and strength to make the hard choices, to start the process of breaking the downward spiral or negativity and despair.
Today, with the help of ACA (ACoA), my life is starting to change in profound ways. I am starting to learn who I really am, take steps to put myself first and learn how to make healthy choices.
ACA - ACoA Meetings in VT, MA + NH 